I Only Have 1 Foot and My Body Is Trying To Kill Me

For those of you not in “the know” I did survive my little GI procedure and was back at work the next week feeling so. much. better.  But then I had to have half my right foot lasered off and so now I’m down to one foot.  And they try to be all helpful by giving you this super cushy shoe thing to wear.  However, the sole of this surgery shoe thing is a good quarter-inch or so thicker than all my other shoes meaning that I’ve been walking lopsided for an entire week now.  It’s for this reason that I’m pretty sure the sugery-shoe-making-people are in cahoots with the chiropractors. 

No Cookie Monsters were harmed in the making of this obnoxious sock.

I also think that smart phones are making us all very rude.  Alow me to explain.  Walking around lopsided for a week has resulted in some serious back pain.  And I’m all limping too because it’s impossible to wear 2 different shoes and NOT limp.  So, today I obviously limp into a restaurant with a wait and there’s 9 bajillion people waiting for a table and they’re all sitting down…except me.  And I’m wearing a GIANT SURGERY SHOE and since the only sock that will fit over the bandaging looks like I made it out of cookie monster pelt, it’s kind of hard not to notice the limping girl with 2 different size shoes on that has a giant blue muppet sticking out of the end of her surgery shoe.  But thanks to the magic of smart phones, every idiot sitting down has their nose buried in email or Angry Birds and is able to completely ignore the fact that ONE OF YOU ABLE-BODIED A-HOLES NEEDS TO GET UP AND OFFER ME YOUR SEAT!  So I stood.  Lopsided.  And FINALLY someone’s table was ready and I limped towards the empty bench seat in the lobby that they vacated with the kind of urgency you usually see in young mothers as they chase toddlers heading towards stairs or busy traffic-filled intersections.  But I got a seat and waited and was finally allowed to limp towards a table where I enjoyed a nice brunch with a good friend.


And I’m exhausted.  Because limping is a lot more work than regular walking.  And my back hurts.  And I worked too much this week to really be logical or healthy but deadlines are deadlines.   And I have an autoimmune disorder so wearing myself out like this means my body always rises up to punish me so leaving brunch to head to the grocery store felt more like I was heading to a torture chamber but I HAD to have cat food or the cats would rise up against me next and a refill of my migraine medication because…as I mentioned…last week was rough.  And no sooner did I manage to find a parking place and limp into the store than a woman engrossed in her smart phone managed to RUN OVER MY RECENTLY LASERED FOOT WITH HER SHOPPING CART in her attempt to beat me to the pharmacy counter.  SERIOUSLY LADY!?!?  And yet as she apologized to me over her shoulder, she still raced up to the counter in front of me to conduct her 3, 457 transactions and argue about the cost of her medications and ask so many questions I had to wonder if she’s ever actually swallowed a pill before.  I stood there…lopsided…and angry.  And now my cookie-monster sock has wheel marks on it so I really look like I murdered a muppet. 

And because that’s not good enough, I got home and realized my foot felt wet.  Not only did shopping-cart- muppet-sock-murdering lady run over my foot, she dislodged one of the scabs so now my muppet sock has tread marks AND blood on it.  I felt like I was pulling a dead cookie monster off my foot.  I momentarily considered burying it in the back yard instead of throwing it in the washer.  

So, I applied pressure, stopped the bleeding, re-applied the bandages and a new fresh muppet sock (this one is white and pink instead of cookie monster blue) and had a momentary fit of indecision as I realized that I have no idea how to carry the laundry downstairs on one foot, lopsided, with a bad back.  So, I tipped the laundry hamper onto its side and just rolled.  I nearly took out a cat and about 30% of the clothes fell out on the way down but a little limp-kick maneuver on the way down the stairs made it possible to at least get them all onto the same level with the washer and dryer.  I have NO IDEA how I’m going to get them all back up the stairs when they’re clean again so if you come visit me and the couch is covered in clean laundry….don’t judge.  At least it’s clean.

Anyway, lately my culinary creations have consisted of frozen pizza, mac and cheese from the box, and bologna sandwiches.  None of these warrant any sort of bragging on my blog.  But, in the interest of me someday blogging about food again….put your damn cell phones down so you don’t murder anymore muppet socks or poor lasered feet.  I’m out of Vicodan so I don’t take kindly to assaults such as I have been prone to today.  And it’s hard to do the dishes that have been piling up all week when I’m busy laying on the couch with  my foot above the level of my heart so it won’t start bleeding again.  Trust me, my day can’t take anymore bloody  muppet socks. 

The washer just beeped.  Who wants to come put the clothes in the dryer for me?  If only the cats had opposable thumbs.



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3 responses to “I Only Have 1 Foot and My Body Is Trying To Kill Me

  1. Lasered off? Dude. I’m so sorry. I’m sure you don’t have a muppet foot 😉

    • Luckily after this week I’m pretty sure I’ll be back in normal shoes. So, goodbye muppet socks….at least until I need to practice my “Risky Business” slides across the hardwood floors.

  2. KP

    WTH! How did I miss all this! I am sure I should have seen it if you tweeted it for TMI Tuesday/Thursday! I sure hope you are on the mend girl!

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