Your Bologna May Have a Name but My Cookies Have an Attitude Problem

So…I’m having a day.  Actually, I’m on like day 3 of having a day.  It’s the kind of day where I rocket between happy and comfortable to irritable bordering on raging psychopath with a velocity that is making my head spin.  Out of fear that my head might actually start spinning horror movie style, I decided to do something to help curb the potentially catastrophic outbursts brewing in my hormone-saturated brain.  In other words, I feel unnecessarily emotional and I want cookies.  Draw your own conclusions but if you like your face as it’s currently arranged, you should probably not share any of your conclusions with me.  

I found a recipe from Epicurious for salted chocolate chunk cookies.  If there is one thing I do really well, it’s complain that you can’t buy salted M&Ms.  Yes, I know they have the pretzel ones but I don’t like the chunk of pretzel in the middle of my chocolate.  I want salted M&M’s like you get in the sweet and salty trail mix.  In fact the ONLY reason I eat the sweet and salty trail mix is for the salty chocolate candies.  If the company would just sell salted M&M’s, I could get my fix without having to ingest raisins, nuts, and seeds too.  And you can’t just salt M&M’s, the salt won’t stick.  The oils (I’m guessing from the nuts) in the trail mix is what makes it stick to the candy and so can someone work on that for me?  In the mean time, this recipe *might* be an acceptable alternative way to get my salted chocolate fix but it’s just a crutch.  We need a permanent solution and that solution depends on salty M&M’s (plan, not peanut). 

You can find the recipe here or I’ve copied it below for your convenience.    

My first concern was that I haven’t been to the grocery store in weeks.  I haven’t been much in the mood to cook or bake lately so I really haven’t been doing much of it.  And, I hate going to the grocery store when I feel good.  Going to the grocery store today would mean that the first wound-up kid that runs into me with their cart while their oblivious mother is nose-deep in a nutrition label would be liable to end up hog tied and gagged with Hefty Bags and deposited into his mother’s cart where he couldn’t escape.  So, it was imperative that I find a recipe I had the ingredients for already…for the sake of the general public.  

When I opened the refrigerator, I saw we had eggs which was the one ingredient I wasn’t sure we had.  But they were expired.  However, the date on the eggs in your fridge is really just a suggestion.  If you’ve ever raised chickens or bought fresh eggs from a farm, you probably know that there’s one really easy way to tell if an egg is still good and it doesn’t depend on some arbitrary date stamped on a package.  Good eggs sink.  When an egg starts to go bad, gasses are formed inside the shell and so if you drop a bad egg into a glass of water, it will float.  You can check eggs that are past the expiration date, by just dropping them into a glass of water.  Any eggs that bob up and down, hover somewhere above the bottom of the glass, or float should be relegated to only non-edible ventures.  But if it sinks straight to the bottom, you’re good.  Luckily the expiration date on my eggs was yesterday so I was sure they were good but I did the water test just to be sure and they sank as expected.  I will say that older eggs are harder to separate.  The white is thinner in fresher eggs so if you need to separate your eggs, you may want to use fresher ones.  Older eggs are better for boiling because they will peel easier than fresher eggs.  And thus concludes today’s egg-citing lesson on chicken ova.  

I started gathering the rest of the ingredients when I realized we didn’t have enough brown sugar left.  I thought I had a canister somewhere with some more brown sugar in it.  It only took a few minutes of me considering the potential child abuse charges that could result if I gagged a stranger’s child at the grocery store with a Hefty Bag to encourage me to find it.  Luckily I was right, there was enough brown sugar in it to save the day (or at least my cookie craving), but it was hard as a rock.  This turned out to be a silver lining.  I could have microwaved back into cooperation, but given my mood, repeatedly stabbing it with a butter knife until I had a workable substance was far more appealing.  


I had to rough up the brown sugar.

Finally, the recipe calls for chocolate with no more than 72% cacao which seems oddly specific.  What happens between 72 and 73 percent that could possibly render the cookie inedible?  Since the recipe specified that you could use either bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, I used semi-sweet bakers chocolate which is all had on hand but was only only 54% cacao.  I prefer to use higher quality chocolate usually, but sometimes you have to weigh the benefits of remaining out of court against how badly you want good quality chocolate in your cookies.  The less interaction I have with the public today, the better.  

And, I have to say, I LOVE chopping up chocolate.  I could probably do it a lot faster in the food processor but I love the feel of my knife going through those big chunks of baker’s chocolate.  I like to pretend I’m cutting through the bones of people that drive slow in the left lane and feel all self-righteous about it and tell themselves that they have every right to drive in the left lane and pat themselves on the back for not allowing other people to speed.  Yes, I realize that sounds morbid and hateful but as I’ve said, I’m having a hateful day.  Just roll with it…unless you drive slow and act self-righteous in the left lane, you people clearly would prefer to monitor everyone else’s rolling with it instead.  Knock yourself out, I’ll just be over here fantasizing about a giant asteroid landing on your car and squashing you into an upholstery stain while you act like the freeway version of a power-hungry elementary school hall-monitor. 


I was violent with the chocolate as well.

Anyway, there is salt in the cookie batter but that’s not that unusual.  Most sweets include a bit of salt.  A pinch of salt can enhance the sweetness of a dish.  I only put in the prescribed amount of salt because the last step in the instructions is to sprinkle flaky sea salt on top of the cookies before baking and I didn’t want the cookies to turn out too salty.  

I read through the reviews and a few people had indicated that they spread out too thin or that they were more well done than they liked and they recommended removing them from the oven before any part of the cookie looks browned.  Those that felt they were overdone had waited until the edges were starting to get a little color before removing.  Since I much prefer soft and chewy cookies, I took their advice a step further and after I shaped and salted the cookies, I put them into the refirgerator for about 10 minutes on the cookie sheets.  I learned when making sugar cookies that re-cooling the dough after it’s been rolled and cut and right before baking helps them keep their shape.  This allows the butter to re-solidify and the result is that the butter doesn’t melt as much before the cookie bakes and so the cookies don’t spread out as much.  And, since the cookies stay a little thicker, it also helps contribute to a more chewy cookie.  If you like your cookies thinner and crisper, you’ll want to skip this step.  For sugar cookies which I want to keep the shape of the cookie cutter, I actually put them in the freezer before baking.  Since these cookies needed to spread some, I just put them into the fridge for about 10 minutes before putting them into the preheated oven.


But while we’re talking about people who review recipes, why has it become so popular for people to write reviews on a recipe that they didn’t follow at all?  I see recipe reviews all the time that say something like, “I was out of ingredients A, B, and C so I substituted these things that aren’t similar at all to ingredients A, B and C and it was terrible so I give this recipe 1 star.”  That’s like going to see Frozen and then telling everyone you hated it because you’re team Jacob.  STOP DOING THAT!  It’s fine to write a review and tell people if you made substitutions that worked or didn’t work, but to criticize a recipe you didn’t follow and tell everyone it was gross because you’re too inept in the kitchen to know that you can’t substitute a banana for a banana pepper is completely asinine and really really annoying to those of us that are trying to glean useful information from the reviews.  It’s right up there with The Weather Channel naming winter storms and people acting self-righteous for driving slow in the left lane.  


Also, these cookies call for  A LOT of chocolate.  Using the full 8 ounces the recipe called for meant that I had to roll the cookies in my hands to get them to “stick” together with so much chocolate.  Maybe it was partly the size of the chunks I had but it seemed like the cookies were little dough and a LOT of chocolate.  Having to roll them out with my hands to get them to stick is another reason I refrigerated them before baking.  


Possible salmonella poisoning never looked so delicious. To all of you that never eat raw cookie dough, you just don’t know what you’re missing.

Finally, I wasn’t sure how much salt was really appropriate for the top of each cookie.  Since I’m not afraid of salmonella from eating raw eggs enough to stop eating raw cookie dough, what I SHOULD have done was take one of my uncooked cookies, and used it to experiment with how much salty deliciousness I could add before I went too far.  I was really afraid of the cookies being way too salty to enjoy.  Plus, I suspect that my salt was too granular and not as “flaky” as the recipe had suggested and as a result, I had a hard time getting the salt to stick to the top of the cookie.  It kind of wanted to roll off the cookie and settle into the low spots on the top of the cookie surface.  


My salt is not ‘flaky’ as the recipe called for.

Plus, I found that as the cookie spread out, it kind of flattened out some, but the top of the cookie doesn’t spread out.  As the cookie gets thinner, it’s the area that was making up the “sides” of the cookie that becomes the top outer edge of the finished cookie.   As a result, the salt kind of stays bunched up in the center of the cookie instead of spreading out along the top.  I wonder if it might have been better if I’d sprinkled with salt while they were first hot out of the oven but I’m not sure the salt would have stuck well.  I think that if I make these again, I’d put a pinch of salt on the top of each cookie using a different method to get it to spread out more evenly.  Instead of just trying to sprinkle it on, I’d pour the salt onto a flat surface (a pinch at a time), spread it out a little with my fingers and then press the cookie dough down onto the salt to get it to spread out a little better and get it to cover the top of the cookie more evenly. I might even spread some along the sides of the cookie (if you think of your pre-baked cookies as a cylinder, spreading a bit of salt along the sides of the cylinder) to get more even coverage across the top of the cookie.


Sweet and salty and fresh from the oven. This is what my dreams are made of. This and salty M&M’s.

Overall, it’s not a bad cookie.  I like it.  It definitely satisfies that salty sweet craving I had and I didn’t have to face the public and possible jail time to make them.  Since cooking and baking is relaxing and soothing, I even feel a little less prone to violence. But I still wouldn’t turn down salted M&M’s if we can work that out.  I’m not ready to trade in the dream yet.  One day, I hope to eat salty chocolates with a hard candy shell without having to pick around nuts and raisins and it will be beautiful.  

However, I didn’t love the cookies as much as I wanted to.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re good.  But they just weren’t quite the yummy cookie I was looking for.  I realized as I ate one that it would probably satisfy my salty sweet craving if it was a chocolate chunk cookie with a salted caramel drizzle on it.  Or maybe I’m just in a mood where I can’t be happy with anything today?  Why don’t you try making them and tell me what you think?



Finally, I know I joke about hurting other people because I’m feeling terrible.  But, truthfully, I am not prone to violence and I have never and never would physically hurt someone except in self-defense.  A few people have received some pretty intense tongue-lashings before, but I assure you that they deserved the full tilt of my ire at the time.  

Salty Chocolate Chunk Cookies (copied from Epicurious)

Bon Appétit  | January 2013

by Alison Roman

  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
  • 3/4 cup (packed) light brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1/4 cup powdered sugar
  • 2 large egg yolks
  • 1 large egg
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 8 ounces semisweet or bittersweet chocolate (do not exceed 72% cacao), coarsely chopped
  • Maldon or other flaky sea salt

Place racks in upper and lower thirds of oven and preheat to 375°F. Whisk flour, baking powder, kosher salt, and baking soda in a medium bowl; set aside.

Using an electric mixer on medium speed, beat butter, brown sugar, sugar, and powdered sugar until light and fluffy, 3-4 minutes. Add egg yolks, egg, and vanilla. Beat, occasionally scraping down the sides of the bowl, until mixture is pale and fluffy, 4-5 minutes. Reduce mixer speed to low; slowly add dry ingredients, mixing just to blend. Using a spatula, fold in chocolate.

Spoon rounded tablespoonfuls of cookie dough onto 2 parchment paper-lined baking sheets, spacing 1″ apart. Sprinkle cookies with sea salt.

Bake cookies, rotating sheets halfway through, until just golden brown around the edges, 10-12 minutes (the cookies will firm up as they cool). Let cool slightly on baking sheets, then transfer to wire racks; let cool completely. 



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4 responses to “Your Bologna May Have a Name but My Cookies Have an Attitude Problem

  1. The Roommate

    They were DE-licious!!!

  2. Laura

    Brilliantly entertaining!

  3. Nicole

    I want to eat all of these…I’ll test out your next batch to make sure they are acceptable…

  4. Pingback: A Year Later…. | lilpyrogirl

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